Dear Diary

Published 06/20/2019

(All photos in video from Morguefile.com )

I just learned that the process of Jesus comes in steps. I like most people assumed it would come all at once. You know cause our spiritual leaders make it look so easy. They do tell us it took them years to get to where they are now. But, me, I take it to heart and figured yeap, My success is today. I fully committed myself to hope. It turns out it is so much harder than I realized. I have been hoping for more than 30 years. I dream a lot. I am a hard worker. I don't cut corners because it often leads to someone getting hurt. My goal is to be a blessing and not injure those I am trying to help on the way to becoming a blessing. So, I wait patiently for success in life and love.

I often tell Jesus "I want someone just like you Lord." I am finding that to be like a rib hidden behind years of root beer floats, virtually impossible to find. Being found is risky cause you don't always like being found by some characters. So, I hide. I find things to do. I stay at home. I stick to church and only church. Only church can be a problem, the pastors especially have a keen sense for who's hiding and will tag you. Before you know it, you are dating cause there is nothing else to do.

You often feel like a charity case. In the back of your mind you are asking yourself, how much did he get paid to take me out? It's happened before so why would this be any different. Men bet to see who can get where. You hate to put baggage on a new person but yet you still wonder.

Surprisingly, you still imagine the Jesus type guy in the back of your mind. You hope he exists, for you at least. Time is weening down and you know its almost time to go. Yet, you hope before it's time you will get to know the love, the Father, Jehovah GOD, had in mind when HE thought of making marriage, Jesus when He decided to love marriage and the Holy Spirit, when he decided to make it.

I know I will see Jesus in heaven and can ask or He will just tell me. But, I wanted to find out first hand. It looks like my life is toast for now. Just bland, no jam, no butter, toast.

Toast. Toast. Toast.